Episode 36: Trust Again, Healing from Betrayal
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About Our Guest:
Dr. Debi Silber is a holistic psychologist, a recognized health, mindset, empowerment and personal development expert.
She’s a speaker, coach and author of 3 bestselling books. She has contributed to FOX, CBS, The Dr. Oz show, TEDx (twice), The Huffington Post, Shape, Self, Health, Working Mother, Forbes, Psychology Today, WebMD, Ladies Home Journal, MSN, Woman’s World and Glamour.
After suffering 2 major betrayals she knew something had to change. She wanted to understand betrayal so at 50 years old, with 4 kids, 6 dogs, and a thriving business she decided to get a Ph.D. in transpersonal psychology.
This led her to a predictable and proven process taking people from betrayal to breakthrough.
00:06:00 There’s a collection of symptoms. Physical, mental, and emotional, so common to betrayal it’s known as “post betrayal syndrome.”
We’ve all heard “time heals all.” I have the proof when it comes to betrayal, it’s simply not true
She asked her thousands of participants in her studies, “If you’ve been through other traumas besides betrayal, does it feel different for you?”
Unanimously They said, “it’s so different.” Here’s why, because it feels so intentional.”
We write the book for how others treat us.
Making it harder to get help is when we want to protect the status quo, the kids, our financial situation. “We protect the betrayer at our own expense.”
00:09:00 to find out what happens to those who protect the betrayer or refuse to acknowledge their betrayal or their need for healing.
Betrayal lends itself to creating an entirely new identity.
Here are some of the emotional and physical symptoms suffered by those who have suffered a betrayal. The data are based on 30-35,000 people, all ages, every demographic, almost every country is represented here.
78% constantly revisit their experience.
81% feel a loss of personal power.
80% are hypervigilant.
94% deal with painful triggers.
So in the beginning, maybe you can’t hold food down. Later on you’re using food for comfort, 45% have digestive issues, anything, [00:08:00] IBS Crohn’s, diverticulitis, constipation, diarrhea. You name it.
The most common mental symptoms,
78% are overwhelmed.
70% walking around in a state of disbelief.
68% are unable to focus.
64% are in shock.
62% are unable to concentrate
84% have an inability to trust. That’s like living half of life.
Therapy is one kind of help. If that therapist isn’t highly skilled in betrayal, it does more harm than good. 00:12:00
Learning to trust again is such an important—and difficult process—Debi wrote a book about it called “Trust Again.”
Can trust be repaired? I say, no. Can it be rebuilt? Yeah. But it’s a big process.
Nope, no, one’s getting near me again.” And that’s clearly someone who isn’t healed. They think it’s strength. It’s not it’s fear.
There are 4 stages of healing from betrayal.
“Most people get and stay stuck in stage three. Transformation doesn’t even happen. And doesn’t even begin until stage four.”
[00:18:00] If the bottom were to bottom out, what would you do?
You’d grab hold of anything you could to stay safe and stay alive.
As we move away from the actual event we can think we’re healing because we get to be right. We get our story, we get sympathy. We get someone to blame. We get a target for our anger.
Betrayal can hold a person in its grip for decades and create unsupportive comforting behaviors.
[00:20:00] I see someone 20 years out and say “that emotional eating you’re doing, that drinking you’re doing, that numbing in front of the TV you’re doing, do you think that has anything to do with your betrayal?”
You’ll be able to guess her answer.
As you begin to rebuild your life you are going to only bring with you the things—and people—who matter, support you, love you unconditionally.
“If your friends weren’t there for you, don’t take them with you.”
This takes courage.
“This is the hardest and the most transformative work you’ll ever do. There is a version of you waiting to be birthed on the other side of your healing and you owe it to yourself. You know, you’ve been through the worst of it already.”
[00:30:00] “Even though it happened to you, it’s not about you
If you’re not trusting, that’s like living half a life.
Find Deb at: https://thepbtinstitute.com
If you are interested in being certified to do this work: https://thepbtinstitute.com/certification/